Randoms

Yeah, so Chrissy found out the hard way that we're out of TP. If you don't know what TP means, I'm not going to explain it to you. So we decided to make a run to the grocery store...late at night...you know, like 10pm. oooo. Upon arrival to the nearly empty parking lot, Chrissy decides to pull into the tightest spot available between a shiny white beamer and a large blue SUV. Seriously, next to the SUV was an ocean of parking spots. Good thing I lost my baby fat, otherwise I never would have made it out the door. Of course walking into the store, there were a jazillion people. Weird.
We went in with a very specific list of three things. TP, Bread, OJ. The first ten minutes in the store is spent in the magazine aisle loading up on free entertainment. That's how we catch up with the rest of the world outside our little shit hole of a apartment. Can ya tell we're sick of where we live? Then we decide whether to buy the 2/$4 or better bread for 2/$5 - we opted to save a buck. OJ - why are there SO MANY kinds of OJ now? Really doesn't make sense. I went with the tangerine orange only to end up wishing I had just picked the regular plane jane OJ. Damn variety. Just doesn't have that KICK I like. And good ole TP - ok, for you non-abbreviation lovers...TOILET PAPER..ya happy now? We splurged and got the $2.99 paper rather than the $2.49! We gotta protect ourselves. It just isn't right. Be good to yourself.

Dinner anyone?

Yeah, well it looked worse before I cooked it. Ask Chrissy, I put it in her face. What?! I would have thrown up on the table too if someone put raw ground turkey in my face - she didn't mean too.
So today was a little busy at work....OK a LOT busy - but when it's such a small cafe (compared to the giant feeding troughs I worked at before) it doesn't stress you out as much. Mainly, because the clientele would lose their shit if you did....may I remind you this is Beverly Hills. If you have to sweat, you tell your skin to hold it til the end of your shift! It's like a pregnant woman's water breaking - you hold it and hold it and then at the end you just let it go. All of it. Ok, so that's my bladder - no one knows. I'm in black.
Poor Chrissy Poodle, injured her ankle today at the Canyon. So now she has one ankle and one kankle. And a week before her fashion show - that's going to be a killer walk Chrissy. Just make it look intentional, no one will know. Hey at least she got to workout today - i pussed out and ate again. OMG we went from eating 93 times a day to maybe twice. I guess it's showing though - I can see my hip bones now, and my ribs....and my spine pops out in the morning to say good morning......scraped my collar bone on my chin today, yeah I guess I'm not used to being this small. I should go get a bucket of lard. NO! I gotta keep up with these LA Ken Dolls - aka the gays. These guys are FIT! They make Barbie and Ken look like they belong on "The Biggest Loser"!
Well my hands are sweating enough to short circuit the computer, so i guess i should bring this to a close. ok....CLOSE.

The Shrimp Sniper

That's what they should call this woman. I had a horrifying experience today at work involving a "sweet" old lady. Bitch. Walking around the outside terrace at the cafe, I notice a lone ranger looking as though she needed assistance. So being the kind, generous, handsome person I am, plus I'm getting paid, I say with a smile "Yes Mam?" She immediately, while still chewing her sauteed shrimp salad (actually referred to as Sauteed Prawn Salad on the menu) she blurts out "Can I have a glass of water with lemon?" However, the words are not all that flew from her mouth. Around the word "lemon", SWEET old lady sniper, launches a fairly large piece of shrimp from what should be called her mouth, but we'll refer to it as her death-trap. So here is a recollection done in pictures of the undercover attack.
"Yes Mam?"
'What in the world?'
'IS THAT SHRIMP?'
'NOOOO!'
'HEEELLLLLP!'
"Of course Mam, I'll br right back."

I think she noticed what she did, because it was painfully obvious when it was resting on my left shoulder against a black shirt. Be aware of these wolves dressed up as sheep my friends. They get vicious.

My 1st TATOO!

Yeah right. I just burnt myself. At work, I place my buns in the oven...FROM A BAG GUYS. Not mine. Geez. Freaks. So there's many an oppurtunity to burn myself on something. Today I got lucky and actually DID! I was pulling my buns out of the..GUYS!..out of the OVEN when the pan touched my big beautiful smooth tan arm. I didn't think it'd be bad, but I did feel it. However over the course of two hours, I had a giant purple welp in place of the smooth tan arm. And it's STILL staring at me. stop it. I said stop it. fucker. Let's hope it doesn't scar, cause it's hideous. Like worse than Janet Reno BEFORE make up. But I got a free meal after work, so I'm happy.
I just got the call that I was cast in a NY Film Academy grad student's thesis film as "altar boy" - don't worry it's his name, not an extra role. C'mon guys - ya think I'd really be an extra again? yeah, you're right. It's a funny role, so let's hope I play it off well.
Also, have you seen the commercial for Vonage? FUCKING HILARIOUS! That's the only way I can describe it...seriously, the only way. Sorry Mom. The commercial involves a man dressed up in a lobster outfit passing out flyers to businessmen and women - only no one is accepting them in the background of an interview with a Vonage customer. I was at a meeting last night and crying as a result of laughing so hard. I had the knee slap going and all! Someone was speaking and the television was on in the background and I'm just beet red with tears flowing down my face and no one could figure out why. I could barely catch a breath. If you see it - you will cry. Ok - I got the link. Here - enjoy. AHAHAHAH http://www.vonage-forum.com/images/tv/lobster.wmv

WHY!

IT IS 7:30AM AND THE OLD PEOPLE COMMUNITY CENTER IS USING A LEAF BLOWER! THIS IS CALIFORNIA - THERE ARE NO LEAVES TO BLOW...THEY DO NOT FALL! WHY CAN'T THEY WASH WINDOWS OR PAINT THIS EARLY!!! I CANNOT GET A DECENT NIGHT'S SLEEP!!!! I HONESTLY BELIEVE THEY TORTURE ME ON PURPOSE!!! HE'S BLOWING GARBAGE!!! PICK IT UP YOU LAZY MO#!&@ FU%!#*!!!!!!!!!!

Is Valentine's Day a good thing?

So it's the big hearted day....well, for some, for other's it's not. I was heart-broken to hear a friend from Austin telling me that the guy she's been seeing for over 6 months failed to even call her today and wish her a Happy Valentine's Day. Seriously, after 6 months at LEAST you could get her a card - I'd go crazy and probably blow all my money scaring the person away! But she didn't receive a flower, a card, or a phone call. What a creep. She spent the day crying....and over what? A guy who doesn't deserve to be in the same room as her. I hate seeing my friends get hurt by someone that doesn't deserve them. Get rid of him, you're way out of his league. Plus I think he looks like a squirrel who stored up too much for winter.
I, on the other hand, have no Valentine....and you know what. I really kind of don't mind. Hell, I'm still happy I have a job! WHO NEEDS A VALENTINE WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A JOB!!! I work the next 7 days straight....and I couldn't be happier! AND THE FEED ME! HOLY CRAP! I hope you everyone tells the people they love that they do! As akward as it might be, just tell them! Here's a list of the people I love: Mom, Dad, Michelle, Scott, Andrew, Michelle U, Chrissy, Elias, Sarah, Scott R, Grandma, Aunt Patty, Uncle Joey, Lauren, Jodie, omg - ok this list just goes on and on - you know who you are!

Truffle-uficus...ahem, nevermind.

We made TRUFFLES! I know it sounds lame - but it made Chrissy and I REALLY happy. It was the top to a great day. I hit the canyon and got a good workout in and more sun - seriously I really need to start wearing full body coverage including a veil - I'm getting too much sun - I saw freckles today! AH! NO! Must keep my two tone brown and red face from SPOTS! I'd just look like a total freak then. A totally good looking freak. Ok, fine go ahead and disagree with me. So after the canyon I hit up an ad on craigslist for this restaurant in Beverly Hills - interview went great. Kind of a small place - but really chill too. Not to mention right under a large talent agency - that'd be good! (I had too much popcorn and i feel it) So after that restaurant, I was on Rodeo Dr (always an intimindating atmosphere) and stopped in this fancy schmancy Italian spot and talked to a monsterbitch Nancy -ok her name wasn't Nancy, but it rhymed (I'm thinking of YOUR entertainment here) it was probably something like Helgrid or Evil Whore. Anyway, she stared me down but I still shoved my resume in her face and told her to have a nice day.....evil whore. So after that place made me feel like utter crap, I thought I'd stroll Rodeo drive and check out Tiffany & Co. As I did, I came upon this great little cafe and since the hostess seemed to be so nice, I thought I'd ask if they were accepting resume's. She was soooo nice and said she'd hand it to the boss. I smiled because I was so happy she was so nice and made my way down the grand staircase. When I made it to the bottom, I was disoriented as to where I parked and it showed. Doug's head turns right. Doug's head turns left. Doug pees himself. Doug jumps in fountain and splashes the birds. Then I hear "DOUG COME BACK!" I look back up the stairs and the hostess that made me smile and the GM were waving me to come back up - OK THAT'S A LITTLE MUCH OF A WORKOUT. The GM was in need of someone right away and I just happened to be the right guy at the right time in the right place. So NOW I HAVE A JOB! YAY! Chrissy and I celebrated with The Bachelor in Paris (don't you judge me!) and we made truffles - they're SO easy and taste SO good. Of course we're not eating them...ahem....we're giving them away as Valentine's gifts. Chrissy is on the floor making arts & crafts....oh and now she's eating the glue. Some girls never learn.