Randoms

Yeah, so Chrissy found out the hard way that we're out of TP. If you don't know what TP means, I'm not going to explain it to you. So we decided to make a run to the grocery store...late at night...you know, like 10pm. oooo. Upon arrival to the nearly empty parking lot, Chrissy decides to pull into the tightest spot available between a shiny white beamer and a large blue SUV. Seriously, next to the SUV was an ocean of parking spots. Good thing I lost my baby fat, otherwise I never would have made it out the door. Of course walking into the store, there were a jazillion people. Weird.
We went in with a very specific list of three things. TP, Bread, OJ. The first ten minutes in the store is spent in the magazine aisle loading up on free entertainment. That's how we catch up with the rest of the world outside our little shit hole of a apartment. Can ya tell we're sick of where we live? Then we decide whether to buy the 2/$4 or better bread for 2/$5 - we opted to save a buck. OJ - why are there SO MANY kinds of OJ now? Really doesn't make sense. I went with the tangerine orange only to end up wishing I had just picked the regular plane jane OJ. Damn variety. Just doesn't have that KICK I like. And good ole TP - ok, for you non-abbreviation lovers...TOILET PAPER..ya happy now? We splurged and got the $2.99 paper rather than the $2.49! We gotta protect ourselves. It just isn't right. Be good to yourself.

Dinner anyone?

Yeah, well it looked worse before I cooked it. Ask Chrissy, I put it in her face. What?! I would have thrown up on the table too if someone put raw ground turkey in my face - she didn't mean too.
So today was a little busy at work....OK a LOT busy - but when it's such a small cafe (compared to the giant feeding troughs I worked at before) it doesn't stress you out as much. Mainly, because the clientele would lose their shit if you did....may I remind you this is Beverly Hills. If you have to sweat, you tell your skin to hold it til the end of your shift! It's like a pregnant woman's water breaking - you hold it and hold it and then at the end you just let it go. All of it. Ok, so that's my bladder - no one knows. I'm in black.
Poor Chrissy Poodle, injured her ankle today at the Canyon. So now she has one ankle and one kankle. And a week before her fashion show - that's going to be a killer walk Chrissy. Just make it look intentional, no one will know. Hey at least she got to workout today - i pussed out and ate again. OMG we went from eating 93 times a day to maybe twice. I guess it's showing though - I can see my hip bones now, and my ribs....and my spine pops out in the morning to say good morning......scraped my collar bone on my chin today, yeah I guess I'm not used to being this small. I should go get a bucket of lard. NO! I gotta keep up with these LA Ken Dolls - aka the gays. These guys are FIT! They make Barbie and Ken look like they belong on "The Biggest Loser"!
Well my hands are sweating enough to short circuit the computer, so i guess i should bring this to a close. ok....CLOSE.

The Shrimp Sniper

That's what they should call this woman. I had a horrifying experience today at work involving a "sweet" old lady. Bitch. Walking around the outside terrace at the cafe, I notice a lone ranger looking as though she needed assistance. So being the kind, generous, handsome person I am, plus I'm getting paid, I say with a smile "Yes Mam?" She immediately, while still chewing her sauteed shrimp salad (actually referred to as Sauteed Prawn Salad on the menu) she blurts out "Can I have a glass of water with lemon?" However, the words are not all that flew from her mouth. Around the word "lemon", SWEET old lady sniper, launches a fairly large piece of shrimp from what should be called her mouth, but we'll refer to it as her death-trap. So here is a recollection done in pictures of the undercover attack.
"Yes Mam?"
'What in the world?'
'IS THAT SHRIMP?'
'NOOOO!'
'HEEELLLLLP!'
"Of course Mam, I'll br right back."

I think she noticed what she did, because it was painfully obvious when it was resting on my left shoulder against a black shirt. Be aware of these wolves dressed up as sheep my friends. They get vicious.

My 1st TATOO!

Yeah right. I just burnt myself. At work, I place my buns in the oven...FROM A BAG GUYS. Not mine. Geez. Freaks. So there's many an oppurtunity to burn myself on something. Today I got lucky and actually DID! I was pulling my buns out of the..GUYS!..out of the OVEN when the pan touched my big beautiful smooth tan arm. I didn't think it'd be bad, but I did feel it. However over the course of two hours, I had a giant purple welp in place of the smooth tan arm. And it's STILL staring at me. stop it. I said stop it. fucker. Let's hope it doesn't scar, cause it's hideous. Like worse than Janet Reno BEFORE make up. But I got a free meal after work, so I'm happy.
I just got the call that I was cast in a NY Film Academy grad student's thesis film as "altar boy" - don't worry it's his name, not an extra role. C'mon guys - ya think I'd really be an extra again? yeah, you're right. It's a funny role, so let's hope I play it off well.
Also, have you seen the commercial for Vonage? FUCKING HILARIOUS! That's the only way I can describe it...seriously, the only way. Sorry Mom. The commercial involves a man dressed up in a lobster outfit passing out flyers to businessmen and women - only no one is accepting them in the background of an interview with a Vonage customer. I was at a meeting last night and crying as a result of laughing so hard. I had the knee slap going and all! Someone was speaking and the television was on in the background and I'm just beet red with tears flowing down my face and no one could figure out why. I could barely catch a breath. If you see it - you will cry. Ok - I got the link. Here - enjoy. AHAHAHAH http://www.vonage-forum.com/images/tv/lobster.wmv

WHY!

IT IS 7:30AM AND THE OLD PEOPLE COMMUNITY CENTER IS USING A LEAF BLOWER! THIS IS CALIFORNIA - THERE ARE NO LEAVES TO BLOW...THEY DO NOT FALL! WHY CAN'T THEY WASH WINDOWS OR PAINT THIS EARLY!!! I CANNOT GET A DECENT NIGHT'S SLEEP!!!! I HONESTLY BELIEVE THEY TORTURE ME ON PURPOSE!!! HE'S BLOWING GARBAGE!!! PICK IT UP YOU LAZY MO#!&@ FU%!#*!!!!!!!!!!

Is Valentine's Day a good thing?

So it's the big hearted day....well, for some, for other's it's not. I was heart-broken to hear a friend from Austin telling me that the guy she's been seeing for over 6 months failed to even call her today and wish her a Happy Valentine's Day. Seriously, after 6 months at LEAST you could get her a card - I'd go crazy and probably blow all my money scaring the person away! But she didn't receive a flower, a card, or a phone call. What a creep. She spent the day crying....and over what? A guy who doesn't deserve to be in the same room as her. I hate seeing my friends get hurt by someone that doesn't deserve them. Get rid of him, you're way out of his league. Plus I think he looks like a squirrel who stored up too much for winter.
I, on the other hand, have no Valentine....and you know what. I really kind of don't mind. Hell, I'm still happy I have a job! WHO NEEDS A VALENTINE WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A JOB!!! I work the next 7 days straight....and I couldn't be happier! AND THE FEED ME! HOLY CRAP! I hope you everyone tells the people they love that they do! As akward as it might be, just tell them! Here's a list of the people I love: Mom, Dad, Michelle, Scott, Andrew, Michelle U, Chrissy, Elias, Sarah, Scott R, Grandma, Aunt Patty, Uncle Joey, Lauren, Jodie, omg - ok this list just goes on and on - you know who you are!

Truffle-uficus...ahem, nevermind.

We made TRUFFLES! I know it sounds lame - but it made Chrissy and I REALLY happy. It was the top to a great day. I hit the canyon and got a good workout in and more sun - seriously I really need to start wearing full body coverage including a veil - I'm getting too much sun - I saw freckles today! AH! NO! Must keep my two tone brown and red face from SPOTS! I'd just look like a total freak then. A totally good looking freak. Ok, fine go ahead and disagree with me. So after the canyon I hit up an ad on craigslist for this restaurant in Beverly Hills - interview went great. Kind of a small place - but really chill too. Not to mention right under a large talent agency - that'd be good! (I had too much popcorn and i feel it) So after that restaurant, I was on Rodeo Dr (always an intimindating atmosphere) and stopped in this fancy schmancy Italian spot and talked to a monsterbitch Nancy -ok her name wasn't Nancy, but it rhymed (I'm thinking of YOUR entertainment here) it was probably something like Helgrid or Evil Whore. Anyway, she stared me down but I still shoved my resume in her face and told her to have a nice day.....evil whore. So after that place made me feel like utter crap, I thought I'd stroll Rodeo drive and check out Tiffany & Co. As I did, I came upon this great little cafe and since the hostess seemed to be so nice, I thought I'd ask if they were accepting resume's. She was soooo nice and said she'd hand it to the boss. I smiled because I was so happy she was so nice and made my way down the grand staircase. When I made it to the bottom, I was disoriented as to where I parked and it showed. Doug's head turns right. Doug's head turns left. Doug pees himself. Doug jumps in fountain and splashes the birds. Then I hear "DOUG COME BACK!" I look back up the stairs and the hostess that made me smile and the GM were waving me to come back up - OK THAT'S A LITTLE MUCH OF A WORKOUT. The GM was in need of someone right away and I just happened to be the right guy at the right time in the right place. So NOW I HAVE A JOB! YAY! Chrissy and I celebrated with The Bachelor in Paris (don't you judge me!) and we made truffles - they're SO easy and taste SO good. Of course we're not eating them...ahem....we're giving them away as Valentine's gifts. Chrissy is on the floor making arts & crafts....oh and now she's eating the glue. Some girls never learn.

Curse of the Quarter Tank

Why is it that every time I look down at my gas gauge it reads below a quarter tank? This frightens me, almost as more than how I look in the morning. Seriously - it could be that at the moment I decide to only fill up to half tank - but I never see it close to the half, it's always the bottom. Could also be the fact that Califonia's gas prices are ridiculous. Meh, whatever. I've become very resourceful since living in LA though - like today, this giant cereal box we finished, I cut down and made it into a holder for my headshots! Aren't I a little Martha! The miraculous thing is that I may have only eaten one bowl of that cereal - meaning, CHRISSY loves her cereal - seriously, she does. That girl eats more cereal than anyone I've ever met. But it's healthy, so at least she's not eating tubs of lard like I do. Man I love lard. I decided to take a day off from the canyon today - just chill out -it's Sunday - ain't no one gon tell me what ta do! Foo! ooo i wonder if Landon's having tv night again! I'm calling now! VOICEMAIL! Can't wait to see Grey's Anatomy! Woohoo! Ok, well, i should probably shower today.......ew.

One of THOSE days

Yeah, they don't come too often - but they do. I thought I'd try to break the spell by going hiking and releasing all those great little endorphins - if I can't achieve a killer body through working out at least I should be able to up my spirit with it. I guess it worked for a bit, but when there's nothing on my plate for the day....after a month and a half of not having a specific purpose, it's tougher. So I keep checking my email in hopes that one of the hundred agents/films/managers i submitted to will respond. I'm still trying to figure out the trick. But I got news for you Los Angeles, you're stuck with this cheeky little fucker for a LONG time. So get used to it and show me some love. Ok here's a happy photo to end on! OMG how'd the dishes get like that again!

FIRST AUDITION...well real one

Bout time! So I had this audition today....My ass was worried about the queso and nachos I shoved down my throat before reading that it's a shirtless character - basically he's there because of his body and looks. Well that's a confidence booster/killer at the same time. "Oh great - they like my look...Oh great I don't have a 6 pack!" That's basically what went through my fat head at the same time. So I drank a bajillion bottles of water (which we jacked from the V-cast concert -thanks Verizon!) the night before - ultimately leading to a bad night of sleep do to the constant waking up and trying to find my way to the bathroom in the dark - basically I looked like a sleepwalking mummy who had too much whiskey....but I was sober. So I wake at approx 8:45 and jet over to the Canyon to get a tough morning run uphill and then the stairs - by the end, I once again, looked like a sleepwalking mummy who had too much whiskey and shinsplints! So I rush home and do a bunch of pushups and crunches to tighten everything up a bit more. I dress in the appropriate attire for the role (as you can see) and then ran out the door. Luckily the casting director told me to mime the de-robing parts of the script - PHEW! Now I look great! AWESOME. I delivered a solid performance and laughed a bit with her before making my exit. Now i play the waiting game. Oh BUT I did have a great interview at TOAST - this great cafe off 3rd St with a HUGE menu.....just what i need right? Keep your fingers, toes, and armpit hairs crossed that I get both jobs! Woo Hoo! Chrissy is keeping super busy with auditions and modeling - awww I have such a pretty roommate! But man you should see her wolf down that sweet corn!

My Love/Hate Relationship with Cheese

So the Grammy's are tonight. We are SUPPOSED to be there. We are SUPPOSED to be watching Madonna LIVE and Mariah Carey LIVE. We are SUPPOSED to be having a great time. What we were not SUPPOSED to be was LATE. Our confirmation ticket to attend the Grammy's as set fillers said to arrive at 1:30 pm - do not be late or you'll be placed in the standby line. Ok, we leave 45 minutes beforehand to make sure we arrive early to The Staples Center - located only 8 miles away. That's it. Easy right? Hell no! WTF! I took us an HOUR to get there - everyone and there damn guest (that's what I was) were trying to get there too! We got all dressed up to stand in the "stand by" line - I'm sorry but Chrissy and I are not "stand by" kind of people. Then I get a call from a casting director asking me to come in tomorrow to audition for a pilot where I'd play a character similar to Jesse Metcalf's role. You know the really hunky guy from Desperate Housewives. yeah -I don't look QUITE that great. So after putting up with the line for a bit, we said screw it "Let's go have a margarita and some queso" to make up for not going to the Grammy's. Tom tells us to hit up El Guapo cause they have queso (it's the HARDEST thing to find in LA) - so we go - HAPPY HOUR! YAY! 1/2 off Appetizers. We get a cheap margarita and are in heaven....until the queso arrives. Looks great - tastes kind of like cheese.....feels like curded oatmeal. We continue munching down on it and then our nacho's come out....OMG after a few bites Chrissy and I are grabbing our stomachs in pain. Yet we continue to look for the jalapeno's all the while eating gobs of greasy cheese. Now I'm thinking to myself GEEZ, why'd I do that! Audition tomorrow - supposed to look great - so for the past two hours I have been battling the fullest stomach I've ever had - and right before the audition. Figures right? I love cheese....but boy do I hate it!

Killing Me Softly

Last night I decided I could die happy....well until I got hungry and then decided I needed to eat first. Chrissy and I worked the Fugees concert by Verizon V-Cast last night on Hollywood and Vine. When I was 16, I could have had 7th row seats to the Lauryn Hill concert who at the time was a god to me - if you've never listened to the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill I suggest dropping everything you're doing and running out and getting the album right away. The night before the concert I was ready to shell out the necessary $100 for the seat (at 16 that's a LOT of money) - but do to some unseen circumstances, I was prevented from going the next day. So last night was my gift - I instantly grew a giant smile when Lauryn jumped out on stage as if it was my own black child on stage. With a big afro. And lyrics too fast for me to understand. But when she sang her rendition of "Killing Me Softly", I felt a little more fulfilled, as if my body had been waiting for that moment since that day. Probably not, but it did sound really damn good. And to make things even better - Chrissy and I are attending the Grammy's on Wednesday and I just found out that Madonna is opening the show! YEEEEHAW! That's the ONLY bit of Texan you get from me. The Mom and Dad are in town and will be here shortly get breakfast (how exciting!) and then jump on their plane home to Texas. :( Awww Texas.....queso.....humidity.

Unbelievable!

So here I am, can't wait to get my W-2s in the mail so I can get my refund back and rest a bit knowing I have some cash in the bank. So after doing my taxes - it says I owe $495!!!! EXCUSE ME?! WHAT?! NO! I've NEVER owed money - I didn't earn anymore than I did in the past, why is this one so different?! Unbelievable! Seriously driving me nuts - And I'm supposed to give this to them by April 15th? I don't like this TAX thing. What a crock of shit. Anyway, that's me venting. I gots the parents in town to visit me! YAY! Their hotel room makes chrissy and my apartment look like the back of everyone's toilet, you know where you find all the gunk that you have no clue how it got there and inevitably there's some kind of hair that doesn't look like your own. Yeah - in fact, they have complimentary orderves (Chrissy and I just learned to use "complimentary" instead of "free" which sounds cheap [like us]). I just completed a student film at USC which is very Brokeback Mountain - but it should turn out very good -and my co-star Nick was really cool. And since I'm cool, this film can't be anything but REALLY cool. So there - we're cool! Alright, I'm going to go burn my tax forms. This is me at the Verizon promotion - i took that with the phone camera - COOL! yeah, i told you i'd put a lot of pics up...of me. Peace.

Poor Thing

That image is the last thing this poor bug saw while I was hiking at the canyon. But you know what, it's his fault. I couldn't avoid this fatal head-on collision. He could have - maybe it was a she. Whatever it was emptied a world of darkness...and emptiness, shit I didn't eat breakfast yet! Which brings me to another observation, or lack there of. At Runyan Canyon there are dogs GALORE - seriously - EVERYWHERE. And Dogs make me happy. So do I look like the weird guy who has a permanent smile on his face while going up and down the hill? Do I appear to have a strange disorder where I constantly show my teeth and gratitude to the doggies? Usually I get a good response from the owners - yet to see the middle finger. Oooo I'd run if that happened. My smile fades however when I exit where I entered and that fresh wiff of dog shit hits me like a brick wall.

Final Destination....TRES!

I have such nice friends - Landon invited me to the "Final Destination 3" world premiere with Neil and Jacob and I got so excited....not only is it a premiere with a red carpet, but also it's FREE! yeah you heard right - i don't have to buy a ticket. Let's hope this blog soon changes to me buying expensive things with pocket change. So it was held at the Grauman's Chinese Theatre, which I had never been to, and they gave away popcorn and soda - loved it! It was great - oh yeah and the movie was pretty good too. Actually it was pretty great - I was very entertained - a lot of gore and stuff - but totally not a bad flick. Makes you never want to - ok I won't ruin the movie for you. But you will never want to ...almost ha! Afterwards, we went to Neil's and watched Project Runway - awesome show - really is quality entertainment - I never knew what a bodice was until now. Learn something everyday! I also learned that there is something called "charity liquor" - Neil gave me the rest of his vodka after I expressed earlier how much I love the liquor store (joke) - so I named it charity liquor. AWESOME. Thanks Neil. Chrissy was more than excited to see the bottle. Whoa girl...Whoa.
Speaking of Chrissy - we have this TV antenna that only works when the antenna sticks straight in front of the television. Well the way the tv is positioned, you kind of forget about the antenna until it hits you in the face....time after time. Chrissy, time after time, runs into the antenna and then says we should move it, but time after time, i hear her bitching at it. That's funny. Watch out! Like I can talk, I do the same damn thing - especially at night, after walking out of the bathroom - turn the corner and WHAM! antenna. I like to think of it as a goonight kiss from the antenna. So sweet....so fucking sweet.