Where the hell am I?

Randoms

2006-02-22T22:59:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so Chrissy found out the hard way that we're out of TP. If you don't know what TP means, I'm not going to explain it to you. So we decided to make a run to the grocery store...late at night...you know, like 10pm. oooo. Upon arrival to the nearly empty parking lot, Chrissy decides to pull into the tightest spot available between a shiny white beamer and a large blue SUV. Seriously, next to the SUV was an ocean of parking spots. Good thing I lost my baby fat, otherwise I never would have made it out the door. Of course walking into the store, there were a jazillion people. Weird.
We went in with a very specific list of three things. TP, Bread, OJ. The first ten minutes in the store is spent in the magazine aisle loading up on free entertainment. That's how we catch up with the rest of the world outside our little shit hole of a apartment. Can ya tell we're sick of where we live? Then we decide whether to buy the 2/$4 or better bread for 2/$5 - we opted to save a buck. OJ - why are there SO MANY kinds of OJ now? Really doesn't make sense. I went with the tangerine orange only to end up wishing I had just picked the regular plane jane OJ. Damn variety. Just doesn't have that KICK I like. And good ole TP - ok, for you non-abbreviation lovers...TOILET PAPER..ya happy now? We splurged and got the $2.99 paper rather than the $2.49! We gotta protect ourselves. It just isn't right. Be good to yourself.

Dinner anyone?

2006-02-18T18:37:00.000-08:00

Yeah, well it looked worse before I cooked it. Ask Chrissy, I put it in her face. What?! I would have thrown up on the table too if someone put raw ground turkey in my face - she didn't mean too.
So today was a little busy at work....OK a LOT busy - but when it's such a small cafe (compared to the giant feeding troughs I worked at before) it doesn't stress you out as much. Mainly, because the clientele would lose their shit if you did....may I remind you this is Beverly Hills. If you have to sweat, you tell your skin to hold it til the end of your shift! It's like a pregnant woman's water breaking - you hold it and hold it and then at the end you just let it go. All of it. Ok, so that's my bladder - no one knows. I'm in black.
Poor Chrissy Poodle, injured her ankle today at the Canyon. So now she has one ankle and one kankle. And a week before her fashion show - that's going to be a killer walk Chrissy. Just make it look intentional, no one will know. Hey at least she got to workout today - i pussed out and ate again. OMG we went from eating 93 times a day to maybe twice. I guess it's showing though - I can see my hip bones now, and my ribs....and my spine pops out in the morning to say good morning......scraped my collar bone on my chin today, yeah I guess I'm not used to being this small. I should go get a bucket of lard. NO! I gotta keep up with these LA Ken Dolls - aka the gays. These guys are FIT! They make Barbie and Ken look like they belong on "The Biggest Loser"!
Well my hands are sweating enough to short circuit the computer, so i guess i should bring this to a close. ok....CLOSE.

The Shrimp Sniper

2006-02-17T16:51:00.000-08:00

That's what they should call this woman. I had a horrifying experience today at work involving a "sweet" old lady. Bitch. Walking around the outside terrace at the cafe, I notice a lone ranger looking as though she needed assistance. So being the kind, generous, handsome person I am, plus I'm getting paid, I say with a smile "Yes Mam?" She immediately, while still chewing her sauteed shrimp salad (actually referred to as Sauteed Prawn Salad on the menu) she blurts out "Can I have a glass of water with lemon?" However, the words are not all that flew from her mouth. Around the word "lemon", SWEET old lady sniper, launches a fairly large piece of shrimp from what should be called her mouth, but we'll refer to it as her death-trap. So here is a recollection done in pictures of the undercover attack.
"Yes Mam?"
'What in the world?'
'IS THAT SHRIMP?'
'NOOOO!'
'HEEELLLLLP!'
"Of course Mam, I'll br right back."

I think she noticed what she did, because it was painfully obvious when it was resting on my left shoulder against a black shirt. Be aware of these wolves dressed up as sheep my friends. They get vicious.

My 1st TATOO!

2006-02-16T16:30:00.000-08:00

Yeah right. I just burnt myself. At work, I place my buns in the oven...FROM A BAG GUYS. Not mine. Geez. Freaks. So there's many an oppurtunity to burn myself on something. Today I got lucky and actually DID! I was pulling my buns out of the..GUYS!..out of the OVEN when the pan touched my big beautiful smooth tan arm. I didn't think it'd be bad, but I did feel it. However over the course of two hours, I had a giant purple welp in place of the smooth tan arm. And it's STILL staring at me. stop it. I said stop it. fucker. Let's hope it doesn't scar, cause it's hideous. Like worse than Janet Reno BEFORE make up. But I got a free meal after work, so I'm happy.
I just got the call that I was cast in a NY Film Academy grad student's thesis film as "altar boy" - don't worry it's his name, not an extra role. C'mon guys - ya think I'd really be an extra again? yeah, you're right. It's a funny role, so let's hope I play it off well.
Also, have you seen the commercial for Vonage? FUCKING HILARIOUS! That's the only way I can describe it...seriously, the only way. Sorry Mom. The commercial involves a man dressed up in a lobster outfit passing out flyers to businessmen and women - only no one is accepting them in the background of an interview with a Vonage customer. I was at a meeting last night and crying as a result of laughing so hard. I had the knee slap going and all! Someone was speaking and the television was on in the background and I'm just beet red with tears flowing down my face and no one could figure out why. I could barely catch a breath. If you see it - you will cry. Ok - I got the link. Here - enjoy. AHAHAHAH http://www.vonage-forum.com/images/tv/lobster.wmv

WHY!

2006-02-15T07:32:00.000-08:00

IT IS 7:30AM AND THE OLD PEOPLE COMMUNITY CENTER IS USING A LEAF BLOWER! THIS IS CALIFORNIA - THERE ARE NO LEAVES TO BLOW...THEY DO NOT FALL! WHY CAN'T THEY WASH WINDOWS OR PAINT THIS EARLY!!! I CANNOT GET A DECENT NIGHT'S SLEEP!!!! I HONESTLY BELIEVE THEY TORTURE ME ON PURPOSE!!! HE'S BLOWING GARBAGE!!! PICK IT UP YOU LAZY MO#!&@ FU%!#*!!!!!!!!!!

Is Valentine's Day a good thing?

2006-02-14T21:56:00.000-08:00

So it's the big hearted day....well, for some, for other's it's not. I was heart-broken to hear a friend from Austin telling me that the guy she's been seeing for over 6 months failed to even call her today and wish her a Happy Valentine's Day. Seriously, after 6 months at LEAST you could get her a card - I'd go crazy and probably blow all my money scaring the person away! But she didn't receive a flower, a card, or a phone call. What a creep. She spent the day crying....and over what? A guy who doesn't deserve to be in the same room as her. I hate seeing my friends get hurt by someone that doesn't deserve them. Get rid of him, you're way out of his league. Plus I think he looks like a squirrel who stored up too much for winter.
I, on the other hand, have no Valentine....and you know what. I really kind of don't mind. Hell, I'm still happy I have a job! WHO NEEDS A VALENTINE WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A JOB!!! I work the next 7 days straight....and I couldn't be happier! AND THE FEED ME! HOLY CRAP! I hope you everyone tells the people they love that they do! As akward as it might be, just tell them! Here's a list of the people I love: Mom, Dad, Michelle, Scott, Andrew, Michelle U, Chrissy, Elias, Sarah, Scott R, Grandma, Aunt Patty, Uncle Joey, Lauren, Jodie, omg - ok this list just goes on and on - you know who you are!

Truffle-uficus...ahem, nevermind.

2006-02-13T23:44:00.000-08:00

We made TRUFFLES! I know it sounds lame - but it made Chrissy and I REALLY happy. It was the top to a great day. I hit the canyon and got a good workout in and more sun - seriously I really need to start wearing full body coverage including a veil - I'm getting too much sun - I saw freckles today! AH! NO! Must keep my two tone brown and red face from SPOTS! I'd just look like a total freak then. A totally good looking freak. Ok, fine go ahead and disagree with me. So after the canyon I hit up an ad on craigslist for this restaurant in Beverly Hills - interview went great. Kind of a small place - but really chill too. Not to mention right under a large talent agency - that'd be good! (I had too much popcorn and i feel it) So after that restaurant, I was on Rodeo Dr (always an intimindating atmosphere) and stopped in this fancy schmancy Italian spot and talked to a monsterbitch Nancy -ok her name wasn't Nancy, but it rhymed (I'm thinking of YOUR entertainment here) it was probably something like Helgrid or Evil Whore. Anyway, she stared me down but I still shoved my resume in her face and told her to have a nice day.....evil whore. So after that place made me feel like utter crap, I thought I'd stroll Rodeo drive and check out Tiffany & Co. As I did, I came upon this great little cafe and since the hostess seemed to be so nice, I thought I'd ask if they were accepting resume's. She was soooo nice and said she'd hand it to the boss. I smiled because I was so happy she was so nice and made my way down the grand staircase. When I made it to the bottom, I was disoriented as to where I parked and it showed. Doug's head turns right. Doug's head turns left. Doug pees himself. Doug jumps in fountain and splashes the birds. Then I hear "DOUG COME BACK!" I look back up the stairs and the hostess that made me smile and the GM were waving me to come back up - OK THAT'S A LITTLE MUCH OF A WORKOUT. The GM was in need of someone right away and I just happened to be the right guy at the right time in the right place. So NOW I HAVE A JOB! YAY! Chrissy and I celebrated with The Bachelor in Paris (don't you judge me!) and we made truffles - they're SO easy and taste SO good. Of course we're not eating them...ahem....we're giving them away as Valentine's gifts. Chrissy is on the floor making arts & crafts....oh and now she's eating the glue. Some girls never learn.

Curse of the Quarter Tank

2006-02-12T15:27:00.000-08:00

Why is it that every time I look down at my gas gauge it reads below a quarter tank? This frightens me, almost as more than how I look in the morning. Seriously - it could be that at the moment I decide to only fill up to half tank - but I never see it close to the half, it's always the bottom. Could also be the fact that Califonia's gas prices are ridiculous. Meh, whatever. I've become very resourceful since living in LA though - like today, this giant cereal box we finished, I cut down and made it into a holder for my headshots! Aren't I a little Martha! The miraculous thing is that I may have only eaten one bowl of that cereal - meaning, CHRISSY loves her cereal - seriously, she does. That girl eats more cereal than anyone I've ever met. But it's healthy, so at least she's not eating tubs of lard like I do. Man I love lard. I decided to take a day off from the canyon today - just chill out -it's Sunday - ain't no one gon tell me what ta do! Foo! ooo i wonder if Landon's having tv night again! I'm calling now! VOICEMAIL! Can't wait to see Grey's Anatomy! Woohoo! Ok, well, i should probably shower today.......ew.

One of THOSE days

2006-02-10T16:10:00.000-08:00

Yeah, they don't come too often - but they do. I thought I'd try to break the spell by going hiking and releasing all those great little endorphins - if I can't achieve a killer body through working out at least I should be able to up my spirit with it. I guess it worked for a bit, but when there's nothing on my plate for the day....after a month and a half of not having a specific purpose, it's tougher. So I keep checking my email in hopes that one of the hundred agents/films/managers i submitted to will respond. I'm still trying to figure out the trick. But I got news for you Los Angeles, you're stuck with this cheeky little fucker for a LONG time. So get used to it and show me some love. Ok here's a happy photo to end on! OMG how'd the dishes get like that again!

FIRST AUDITION...well real one

2006-02-09T19:09:00.000-08:00

Bout time! So I had this audition today....My ass was worried about the queso and nachos I shoved down my throat before reading that it's a shirtless character - basically he's there because of his body and looks. Well that's a confidence booster/killer at the same time. "Oh great - they like my look...Oh great I don't have a 6 pack!" That's basically what went through my fat head at the same time. So I drank a bajillion bottles of water (which we jacked from the V-cast concert -thanks Verizon!) the night before - ultimately leading to a bad night of sleep do to the constant waking up and trying to find my way to the bathroom in the dark - basically I looked like a sleepwalking mummy who had too much whiskey....but I was sober. So I wake at approx 8:45 and jet over to the Canyon to get a tough morning run uphill and then the stairs - by the end, I once again, looked like a sleepwalking mummy who had too much whiskey and shinsplints! So I rush home and do a bunch of pushups and crunches to tighten everything up a bit more. I dress in the appropriate attire for the role (as you can see) and then ran out the door. Luckily the casting director told me to mime the de-robing parts of the script - PHEW! Now I look great! AWESOME. I delivered a solid performance and laughed a bit with her before making my exit. Now i play the waiting game. Oh BUT I did have a great interview at TOAST - this great cafe off 3rd St with a HUGE menu.....just what i need right? Keep your fingers, toes, and armpit hairs crossed that I get both jobs! Woo Hoo! Chrissy is keeping super busy with auditions and modeling - awww I have such a pretty roommate! But man you should see her wolf down that sweet corn!

My Love/Hate Relationship with Cheese

2006-02-08T18:49:00.000-08:00

So the Grammy's are tonight. We are SUPPOSED to be there. We are SUPPOSED to be watching Madonna LIVE and Mariah Carey LIVE. We are SUPPOSED to be having a great time. What we were not SUPPOSED to be was LATE. Our confirmation ticket to attend the Grammy's as set fillers said to arrive at 1:30 pm - do not be late or you'll be placed in the standby line. Ok, we leave 45 minutes beforehand to make sure we arrive early to The Staples Center - located only 8 miles away. That's it. Easy right? Hell no! WTF! I took us an HOUR to get there - everyone and there damn guest (that's what I was) were trying to get there too! We got all dressed up to stand in the "stand by" line - I'm sorry but Chrissy and I are not "stand by" kind of people. Then I get a call from a casting director asking me to come in tomorrow to audition for a pilot where I'd play a character similar to Jesse Metcalf's role. You know the really hunky guy from Desperate Housewives. yeah -I don't look QUITE that great. So after putting up with the line for a bit, we said screw it "Let's go have a margarita and some queso" to make up for not going to the Grammy's. Tom tells us to hit up El Guapo cause they have queso (it's the HARDEST thing to find in LA) - so we go - HAPPY HOUR! YAY! 1/2 off Appetizers. We get a cheap margarita and are in heaven....until the queso arrives. Looks great - tastes kind of like cheese.....feels like curded oatmeal. We continue munching down on it and then our nacho's come out....OMG after a few bites Chrissy and I are grabbing our stomachs in pain. Yet we continue to look for the jalapeno's all the while eating gobs of greasy cheese. Now I'm thinking to myself GEEZ, why'd I do that! Audition tomorrow - supposed to look great - so for the past two hours I have been battling the fullest stomach I've ever had - and right before the audition. Figures right? I love cheese....but boy do I hate it!

Killing Me Softly

2006-02-07T09:58:00.000-08:00

Last night I decided I could die happy....well until I got hungry and then decided I needed to eat first. Chrissy and I worked the Fugees concert by Verizon V-Cast last night on Hollywood and Vine. When I was 16, I could have had 7th row seats to the Lauryn Hill concert who at the time was a god to me - if you've never listened to the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill I suggest dropping everything you're doing and running out and getting the album right away. The night before the concert I was ready to shell out the necessary $100 for the seat (at 16 that's a LOT of money) - but do to some unseen circumstances, I was prevented from going the next day. So last night was my gift - I instantly grew a giant smile when Lauryn jumped out on stage as if it was my own black child on stage. With a big afro. And lyrics too fast for me to understand. But when she sang her rendition of "Killing Me Softly", I felt a little more fulfilled, as if my body had been waiting for that moment since that day. Probably not, but it did sound really damn good. And to make things even better - Chrissy and I are attending the Grammy's on Wednesday and I just found out that Madonna is opening the show! YEEEEHAW! That's the ONLY bit of Texan you get from me. The Mom and Dad are in town and will be here shortly get breakfast (how exciting!) and then jump on their plane home to Texas. :( Awww Texas.....queso.....humidity.

Unbelievable!

2006-02-05T18:49:00.000-08:00

So here I am, can't wait to get my W-2s in the mail so I can get my refund back and rest a bit knowing I have some cash in the bank. So after doing my taxes - it says I owe $495!!!! EXCUSE ME?! WHAT?! NO! I've NEVER owed money - I didn't earn anymore than I did in the past, why is this one so different?! Unbelievable! Seriously driving me nuts - And I'm supposed to give this to them by April 15th? I don't like this TAX thing. What a crock of shit. Anyway, that's me venting. I gots the parents in town to visit me! YAY! Their hotel room makes chrissy and my apartment look like the back of everyone's toilet, you know where you find all the gunk that you have no clue how it got there and inevitably there's some kind of hair that doesn't look like your own. Yeah - in fact, they have complimentary orderves (Chrissy and I just learned to use "complimentary" instead of "free" which sounds cheap [like us]). I just completed a student film at USC which is very Brokeback Mountain - but it should turn out very good -and my co-star Nick was really cool. And since I'm cool, this film can't be anything but REALLY cool. So there - we're cool! Alright, I'm going to go burn my tax forms. This is me at the Verizon promotion - i took that with the phone camera - COOL! yeah, i told you i'd put a lot of pics up...of me. Peace.

Poor Thing

2006-02-04T12:23:00.000-08:00

That image is the last thing this poor bug saw while I was hiking at the canyon. But you know what, it's his fault. I couldn't avoid this fatal head-on collision. He could have - maybe it was a she. Whatever it was emptied a world of darkness...and emptiness, shit I didn't eat breakfast yet! Which brings me to another observation, or lack there of. At Runyan Canyon there are dogs GALORE - seriously - EVERYWHERE. And Dogs make me happy. So do I look like the weird guy who has a permanent smile on his face while going up and down the hill? Do I appear to have a strange disorder where I constantly show my teeth and gratitude to the doggies? Usually I get a good response from the owners - yet to see the middle finger. Oooo I'd run if that happened. My smile fades however when I exit where I entered and that fresh wiff of dog shit hits me like a brick wall.

Final Destination....TRES!

2006-02-02T00:09:00.000-08:00

I have such nice friends - Landon invited me to the "Final Destination 3" world premiere with Neil and Jacob and I got so excited....not only is it a premiere with a red carpet, but also it's FREE! yeah you heard right - i don't have to buy a ticket. Let's hope this blog soon changes to me buying expensive things with pocket change. So it was held at the Grauman's Chinese Theatre, which I had never been to, and they gave away popcorn and soda - loved it! It was great - oh yeah and the movie was pretty good too. Actually it was pretty great - I was very entertained - a lot of gore and stuff - but totally not a bad flick. Makes you never want to - ok I won't ruin the movie for you. But you will never want to ...almost ha! Afterwards, we went to Neil's and watched Project Runway - awesome show - really is quality entertainment - I never knew what a bodice was until now. Learn something everyday! I also learned that there is something called "charity liquor" - Neil gave me the rest of his vodka after I expressed earlier how much I love the liquor store (joke) - so I named it charity liquor. AWESOME. Thanks Neil. Chrissy was more than excited to see the bottle. Whoa girl...Whoa.
Speaking of Chrissy - we have this TV antenna that only works when the antenna sticks straight in front of the television. Well the way the tv is positioned, you kind of forget about the antenna until it hits you in the face....time after time. Chrissy, time after time, runs into the antenna and then says we should move it, but time after time, i hear her bitching at it. That's funny. Watch out! Like I can talk, I do the same damn thing - especially at night, after walking out of the bathroom - turn the corner and WHAM! antenna. I like to think of it as a goonight kiss from the antenna. So sweet....so fucking sweet.

And we broke down...

2006-01-31T16:17:00.000-08:00

No our cars didn' break down. Our bodies did. They said "Feed us! We can't take any more of this SNACKING and PICKING!" Cause that's what we do with a budget - we don't actually enjoy full meals, we eat little bits here and there to remind ourselves we are still alive. So the other night we treated ourselves to Baha Fresh - not much of a treat to the normal working person, but to Chrissy and I - it was heaven. C'mon, GUACAMOLE?! TACOS?! CHIPS?! It was a dream come true. Totally made us happy.
Lately we've been talking about Karma too. When's it gonna get us back. Well, it his Chrissy not one minute after she dished it out. We were in line after Baha Fresh to exit the parking garage and the car in front of us was taking forEVER to get out. "Why do we always get stuck behind the morons?" not a direct quote, but basically what Chrissy said. Finally the attendant comes over and helps the customer. We pull up and put our ticket in, then put the other ticket in. It says it charged us a dollar. We have no cash or credit. "It's validated it should be free" A line forms quickly behind us. People are beginning to look aggravated. Chrissy tries again. Same thing. Now we are panicking. The attendant looks at us like we would look at someone with bright red eyebrows (my payback is yet to come) and helps us out. Chrissy thought she got payback right then. No, the next day she got a $45 parking ticket. I told her she should park in the garage from now on. So what happens the next day, I don't park in the garage, and I get a $45 ticket. Unbelievable. Or is it? What comes around goes around.

The Ultimate Dance Team

2006-01-29T23:50:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah we got our groove on. Chrissy and I met up with some friends from Austin and headed out to a bar chosen by the veterans of LA. It was called The Factory - yay we finally get to go work....it! WORK IT! Just in case you couldn't figure it out. Upon arrival into this venue, we go to the bar - stand there for about 32 seconds before realizing the music is AWESOME. Chrissy and I run like two little girls on Christmas morning into the middle of the dance floor - immediately shedding our outer layers. Each song got better and better and as a result we got hotter and hotter. It wasn't long before we both looked like we had a bad case of pneumonia. I'm flinging sweat on innocent by-dancers as chrissy is sponging off the excess. But did that stop us. HELL NO. We dipped it, popped it, twurked it, and stopped it all night long. So tired we were by 1:30 - we all left the club - 6 of us squeezing into Brett's two door beamer - there's a sight. Getting home Chrissy and I chill out for a bit and then the infamous question "Doug, does your stomach hurt?" "Yeah, kind of" "Oh my god, mine is like killing me" "Now that I think about it, mine really hurts too" - no reason - I think we finally had stopped eating for a few hours and our stomachs had not a clue what to do - so it decided to hurt us. That wasn't an issue when we had to be up three hours later to work a Nike event for the next 8 hours. But it was fuuuuuuuun!

Why is finding a job such a B.I.T.C.H.?

2006-01-27T17:44:00.000-08:00

So I've been wondering the past few weeks why work doesn't fall into my lap. Chris and I went to the canyon and after losing out last ounce of breath climbing what I'm going to call the dreadful #3 trail, we stopped and checked out the beautiful view from the top. Which led to an inspiring conversation of getting to where we want to be in our careers. I stopped wondering why I haven't gotten work because we discussed that 90% goals are accomplished simply by effort. This is true. There are a lot of people in jobs that do not deserve it over you or me, simply because they put out the effort to get it. But we also decided that if someone better and more qualified for the job showed effort, they could take that job away from the not so good one - well out in LA anyway. So I asked myself whether I was truly putting enough effort into everything I want. My answer was this: I can always put in more effort, however I am putting a lot of effort into a lot of things which doesn't yield an accomplishment as soon. Which is fine, but I think if I focus my efforts solely on one goal, I can see better results. Shit, all that "thinking" made me hungry.

My Sanctuary

2006-01-27T10:49:00.000-08:00

This is where I go to release everything...yes that too - Runyan Canyon. Beautiful and breathtaking. Oh and it's free! YES!

KABOOM goes the human body!

2006-01-26T16:47:00.000-08:00

oNCE again I caught every YELLOW and RED light in Los Angeles. Why? Thought I had good karma coming my way. Whatever. So today I was reading the news, yeah I know - don't count on it happening too often, and amongst one of the articles was mentioned something about Spontaneous Human Combustion. Holy Crap! I forgot how crazy that stuff is - can you imagine hanging out with your buddies and then BOOM....your NOT hanging out with your buddies, now you're a pile of ASHES on the floor? Unbelievable! So I researched a few websites on it and was just in complete amazement that someone can totally just BURST into flames while taking a shit. Talk about diarrhea.
Oh if you like Pop tarts but you're fat - get the lowfat kind - they ROCK. I can't taste a difference - only 3grams of fat per poptart - great dessert food. Thought you'd like to hear that after I made the comment about diarrhea. Bon Appetite!

I could travel faster on my FEET!

2006-01-25T18:19:00.000-08:00

That's a picture of our dishes after one day...hard to believe right? We couldn't believe it either.
I've always heard the traffic in LA is bad...ok, yeah, well we all have bad traffic. NO. Unbelievable. They shouldn't even call this traffic. They should give it a new name - like GETMADIC or IHATEMYCARIC. I, not knowing the streets, jumped on Sunset Blvd to go to Silverlake for a meeting - NEVER AGAIN will I take Sunset at 6:30pm - I was in my car for 30 minutes and maybe moved 1.5 miles. I wanted to cry - luckily I was preoccupied talking to my brother on the phone. I quickly realized that I should take an alternate street.
Today I witnessed some of this GETMADIC while sitting at a stoplight. A man was trying to turn left without a signal. I witnessed the whole thing. He started by sitting there, then shaking his head, then the jaw began to chew his gum faster and faster, once again shaking his head in anger, and then peeling out at the last moment. I wanted to point and laugh - but then the same thing was happening to me. These are just tiny examples of the traffic here in LA - not to mention from one stop sign you can see about 9 others in front of you...especially when they are all RED.

Ever felt bad about GROCERIES?

2006-01-24T16:34:00.000-08:00

I don't know - maybe it's just me, but have you ever felt bad about buying groceries? Now, granted I STILL don't have a job yet, and granted, I still haven't eaten all the food already in our place, but c'mon, once in a while you just want to chow down on something good. But see this is what I mean - the food I bought is NOT good. I bought eggs and salsa. That's it! The worst part about it, is that I bought them using a GIFT CARD FOR GROCERIES and still felt bad. BTW, thanks mom. Not to mention I totally told the cheese I'd be back later for them - "Stay covered - I'll save you later!" Poor Cheese. And why did I get frustrated standing behind the little old lady at the checkout - I'll tell ya why - because SHE was smart enough to bring COUPONS! She got twice as much as me for the same price....bitch. I felt bad when I saw her walking home on the sidewalk - so bad that I revved my engine at her.

Funny Ass movie

2005-09-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen Monster In Law? If not, then you should - seriously. I thought it would be kinda funny, maybe a little cheesy with the love department. I never expected to be throwing up while laughing! Haha - just kidding. Throwing up - no - laughing til I SHOULD have thrown up...yes. Scott and I rented it last night. For those of you who don't know, Scott is my straight boyfriend without benefits. Meaning, Scott and I do everything people dating do, except for the intimacy and cuddling. We call eachother thirty times a day, get together after work, cook for each other, have movie dates all the time, and make fun of those less fortunate than us in the beauty department. See? Everything except the kisses and sucks. NOW, back to the movie. So we pop it in, the movie I'm talking about now, and for the next two hours, I'm soiled in my own feces and urine. Jane Fonda really surprised me - i'd never seen her movies before and they could not have cast a better bitch for this role. Her laugh had me laughing everytime...and when she says "It's the flower girls....they're drunk again." I LOST IT! Scott lost it and then we both lost it together...for the next five straight...and gay...minutes. First of all, aren't flower girls generally about 4-6 years old and, as Scott pointed out, "Like they were drunk before?" I loved this film and recommend it to anyone....and DO NOT forget the deleted scenes!

6 Months Later...

2005-07-25T22:39:00.000-07:00

Ahahahaha - gawd that was a funny 6 months - anyway, enough is enough! So I just have to ask - does anybody think that celebrities have gone CRAZY lately? No seriously - every picture of Mariah Carey makes me die laughing - she looks so crazy - in fact, my friend and I refer to her as "Crazy" now - we don't say Mariah we say "I love that new song by Crazy!" Which she DOES have an amazing voice still but...KooKoo! Tom Cruise - What the fuck. I mean, i never was a huge fan anyway, but, sheesh what a NUTCASE! Did you see the way he blew up at Matt Lauwer - holy moly. Lil Psycho should be his new name. And Gwen Stefani - hahahaha. What the fuck is she talking about Herajuku Girls for? If I recall correctly a lyric from one of her songs is "I dress you up and give you names." You'll be Gwen, and you'll be Gwen, and YOU'LL be Gwen, and ooooh you'll be (she Gasps) GWEN! haha - oh and we think Mariah Carey is really Michael Jackson hahaha. I just think it's so funny what's happening in Hollywood these days - not to mention Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie both got "rail" thin after haning out with each other - yeah, i BET it's because the hit the gym together all the time....and by gym I mean....well you know what I mean. If you can think of any other crazy stars, remind me, I need a good laugh!

THAT VOICE!

2005-01-19T18:38:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've taken a little vacation from my web log here - awww- i'm sorry I didn't mean to neglect you! Well lately I've just been doing the same routine and being totally bored off my ass. My agent hasn't called me back about my audition for the part of young John McCain yet and i'm a little worried that it won't happen now. KNOCK ON WOOD! I'm just so ready to move out to LA cause I can't stand the stagnant industry here. My chances, however small they are, are much better out there because there is so much more to do out there. And right now, I just feel like auditioning all day everyday! What's wrong with that. I just wish it wasn't so damn expensive out there. Otherwise I would have made the move already. I hear an annoying voice in the other room - I can't begin to tell you how annoying this voice is. It's very normal....it just belongs to someone who gets under my skin. On a brighter note - I'm looking great! Working out a lot, eating right, my jaw line is back, so is my sexy eyebrow. hahaha. It feels good to look good. Right Sarah?! Yeah. that was a compliment beast. Okay, I think I'll hit the gym to get away from THAT VOICE!

2005-01-04T21:22:00.000-08:00

Jonathan and Victoria from Amazing Race

OMG I WANNA EAT!

2005-01-04T21:06:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I've made it through day 2 of my angry diet....and I WANNA EAT! OMG, this is my hell - not being able to eat what I want. Have I admitted to you that I'm addicted to cheese? It's true, I'm a cheese-a-holic. I'm a sucker for Brie and anything melted between tortillas. Must stop thinking about it....cheese! Naw, it's not THAT bad. But I'm getting there.
Word of advice, avoid going to the gym around 430pm a few days after New Year's. Everyone is trying out their resolution. Shaadi, my roomie, and I were left with stairmasters. No siree. Those SUCK. We did ten minutes on those and then found open eliptical machines. I was lucky enough to get one next to a cute guy. Who actually, now that I think about it, looked much like me. OMG. It was a MIRROR! No, it was a different guy....but I'm still cuter! haha. The gym is such a nice place to visit. Muscles and tight shirts. I should LIVE there.
Shaadi and I watched The Amazing Race tonight. I have never seen it - but am ALREADY HOOKED! I love it. What a great show. I love and hate watching Jonathan and Victoria. He is so mean to her, but I can't get enough of it because she PUTS UP WITH IT! Why?! Throw it back in his face! He claims he's trying to motivate her, but he obviously just has a temper. But as we all know, television doesn't show everything. He probably cuddles her every ten minutes......NAH! He's just mean.
Now I'm about to start watching Resident Evil: Apocalypse with Doug and Elias. Ciao!

Cough Diet Work

2005-01-03T17:35:00.000-08:00

Damn, I just had a coughing fit out of nowhere….I was in the bathroom after just washing my hands and I looked in the mirror, smiled, and then KABAAM! COUGH COUGH COUGH!!!! CHOKE!!! COUGH!!! CHOKE!!!! I’m fine. Except for the fact that my already red face was now joined by bloodshot eyes and near tears. And for what? Cause I took a breath.
I started what I call my “ANGRY DIET” today. It’s not fun. But it works. And right now, I won’t be able to get jobs if I don’t look supa-dupa. So here I go. I’ll keep you updated on my transformation. Cause right now, I could definitely drop a few pounds. So wish me luck!
I worked today. What a hassle that was. People were rude. People were cheap. People were UGLY. I mean, if I’m not going to make any money, they could at least be easy on the eyes. Or for that matter – they could make me drool. No. I had crabby people who probably HAVE crabs. I had trash who looked like they rolled in it. However, the customers I did have that were my age were more than a joy to work on because they didn’t expect me to be there every second as other people do. And by older I mean CRABBY,TRASHY, CHEAP customers. I was very tired. Ready to sit on the couch and kick my feetsies up! Now Im watching reruns of the apprentice and drooling over John. Oh my. What a hottie! Oh yeah you know who I’s talking about!

NEW YEAR.....WHAT THE FUCK!

2005-01-02T20:46:00.000-08:00

That was my response when I looked in the mirror on January 1st. I had drank so much over the past three days that I looked like a bloated cabbage patch kid. A fat child with yellow fever perhaps. Ugghh. I was disgusted by the mirror when usually I am entranced by it. However luckily I had just boughten some large....very large sunglasses to wear. I felt much better walking around the apartment in those glasses.
Andrew came to visit me for the new year. That's always fun. OMG. I laugh so hard when he's around.....but who doesn't I guess. But I seriously am THE ONE MAN AUDIENCE. You don't NEED anyone else if your joke is funny. Just me, a chair, and a plate of nachos. I will laugh so hard. So Andrew and I created a gift for Sarah....a photo album of what we call "Dead Madonna" which this character Andrew created was a result of re-enacting a video of Madonna's and if she were to hypothetically become deceased.....god forbid. We love you Madonna. But this photo album is quite possibly one of the funniest creations of our time. You can leave me on a raft by myself with this photo album in the middle of an ocean and I will stay entertained until I reach land. I hope that does not happen.
Now I'm back to looking great....except for that thing attatched to my front side....most refer to as my "food baby". Yes my tummy. But gimme a week or two, I'll look like an Lara Flynn Boyle. hahaha. seriously. hair and everything.
Cheers to the New Year - may everyone do well and prosper.....for the better. Sarah that means hit the diet hard!

Love,
D

2004-12-14T23:57:00.000-08:00

Dougy...Dougylicious

2004-12-14T23:42:00.000-08:00

Dougy....Dougylicious

I'm running it!

2004-12-14T22:18:00.001-08:00

Geez. Today was the day of the damn yellow light! Everywhere I went I was always getting the guilt that I'm doing something bad if I run that yellow light. damn yellow light - WHY YOU SO MEAN TO ME?! Well near the end of the night, I said what the hell and I RAN YOU! I RAN YOU - YOU DAMN YELLOW LIGHT! HA! Don't hurt me.

My agent was thirty minutes late again today. Big surprise. I signed the contract today. Let's hope this agent is better than the last. So after an hour and a half of discussing, I exited and went home to find my roomie passed out on the couch...I think still drunk. Only to get up twenty minutes later to go to a party. Yes a party at 5:30 pm. Meaning she's wasted by 6:30. Good times.

Went to the beast of burlington's place tonight...aka Sarah's house. We looked at pictures and made fun of her mom. Gotta love Mary - she's not all thery. I was cracking up at the mere fact that Sarah couldn't complete a sentence without hawking up a large gerbil. She's been a little sick lately, so we quarantined her. She likes it though. After leaving her place, I stopped to fill up my gas and decided it would be a good idea to buy hot chocolate and Teryaki flavored beef jerkey. Hmmm, not such a appetizing combo. Nope. I think my car smells like dead flavored cow right about now.

Driving home, I popped in Postal Service. Love that CD. Never fails that I feel like writing songs when listening to them, so I exited 35th st. and headed to Spider House Coffee Shop. So what if it's freezing and my nipples are crying, I'm gonna write. So I did. A cute guy sat near me alone, and then he lit up a swisher cigar. He just didn't seem so cute anymore. But the kitty that ran in between us did. So when I finished my lyrics and my right nipple fell off, I decided to head home. And THAT's when I said SCREW YOU YELLOW LIGHT, YOU'RE MINE! But then I just caught the next one.

Mix me a drink!

2004-12-14T22:18:00.000-08:00

Today I arrived at my new agent's place only to wait a half an hour to find out that my appointment is TOMORROW! I KNOW I heard today! But it's alright, cause I met this great person while she was waiting for him also. Her name is Dana and she's from LA and decided to move to Austin cause she absolutely loves it. She's way cool and knows a lot about da biz.

The agency mixer was tonight at Light Bar on Congress Ave. and it was actually a lot of fun. I was worried that I wouldn't know anyone and I'd be sitting in a corner looking into a mirror all night long. But no no no I ended up chatting it up with Chrissy and our new hottie friend Dane who used to play for the NFL. We all threw back the drinks and had a good time...basically by ourselves. We must have looked snobbish sticking to ourselves in the back of the bar....I mean c'mon Chrissy is drop dead gorgeous, Dane is the football player/model, and I'm, well, I'm DOUGYLICIOUS! So yeah, when we heard we looked as if we were being elitists, I couldn't have agreed more. But I am SOOO being modest. No, but it was a fun time, but as all fun times, it came to an end and I said my goodbyes and left.....buzzed......hungry.....and naked. Ok, just buzzed and hungry.

So I arrive at Elias's only to engage in a debate with his roommate Randall...who is a lawyer. The argument, which I shall refer to as a debate, was over the Zilker Park Trail of Lights. He claims it's a waste of time and stupid and blah blah blah. I, being buzzed, am a much better debater and was all ova dat shit. It was fun, cause he told me I'm never going to win this argument, which I could tell just by that comment that i WAS winning. I then told him that everything is a courtroom to him and we ended there. He had a beer, I had a Diet Dr. Pepper. Bliss.